


Ce qui déclenche la crise

by bashfulpenguin



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of alcohol, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Song: Achilles Come Down (Gang of Youths)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24464512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bashfulpenguin/pseuds/bashfulpenguin
Summary: A short stucky song fic based on the song Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths in which Steve has a phone call with Bucky(title is French for “What triggers the crisis” which is a lyric in the song)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Ce qui déclenche la crise

**Author's Note:**

> I got the inspiration for this from the song Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths. Some of the dialogue are actual lyrics in the song and everything is heavily inspired by the song. Give it a listen!   
> Because this fic talks about suicide I left phone numbers for suicide hotlines around the world at the notes at the end of the work. Please take care of yourselves!

In the middle of the carpet, surrounded by empty bottles of booze, laid Steve Rogers. His bare and bruised skinny legs laid apart on the floor. Pale wrists that he could wrap his whole hand around were covered in rope burn, achingly attached to his fragile fingers barely clutching his phone. 

The room was quiet, spare for every few seconds when Steve’s small body would shakily gasp for air in a way that rattled his chest and filled the room with a bittersweet symphony of dying breaths. 

“Some of us love you,” a deep dismembered voice said, bringing life into the room via the small phone speaker. “It’s not much, but there’s proof,” the voice said after not receiving the wanted response from Steve. 

In lue of a response, Steve let out a pained sob, filling the room with more noise and pain than it had heard in the past hour. 

“Just humour me, Steve.”

“No,” Steve moaned out, letting go of the phone and whatever tears he was holding in. 

“Steve, Steve. Just… put down the bottle. Don’t do it, you can’t waste your life,” the voice begged, slightly muffled from its place in the floor. 

“Buck…” Steve breathed, shaking his head at the ceiling and swallowing down more sobs. 

“I’m here,” he said. “Where you go, I’m going. To the end of the line and everything beyond. There is no me without you.” Bucky’s voice flooded the room with the life that was slowly draining out of it as he pleaded with a broken man on his way out. “Do you want my opinion?” He asked

“No one asked for your opinion,” Steve breathed, rolling his eyes and blinking away the tears threatening to spill over. 

“You said that you feel there’s no point anymore. That you don’t have a purpose,” Bucky’s voice stopped as he tripped over his words. “God, Steve. Just find one,” he blurted, a string of curse words and sobs following. “Just find one and seize it. Make it yours. You have so much potential. So much worth. You can’t…” he trailed off again. 

Steve closed his eyes and listened to the silence that was overtaking Bucky. He continued to take deep breaths that shook his body. Each breath he took filled his chest a little less and took more out of him. 

He was tired. So tired. The bottles of booze he hastily consumed earlier were finally catching up to him, clouding his mind and allowing his body to fall into an easy sleep. 

“Steve!” Bucky’s distorted voice brought him back from the sleep he was feeling himself fall back into. “Can you hear me? Steve?” 

Steve hummed in response and started living at the carpet he was lying on, just to feel something physical. 

“Don’t listen to yourself,” Bucky started again. “You’re your biggest enemy. You’re confused and scared, and just feeding your demons. Please, Steve. Don’t do anything.”

“M’not,” he whispered. “I don’t have the energy.” 

Steve heard a bewildered laugh on the other end of the phone. “Are you giving up on giving up?”

“No,” Steve sighed. He just wanted to be done. Nothing he did ever seemed good enough. Anything progress he made was just trampled over by someone bigger, tougher, smarter,  _ more  _ than he was. He felt like a waste of space. Like everything he took was for someone else. 

When he wanted he felt bad, like others could use more than he. Who was he to want? 

When he went without he felt bad. Who was he to act all high and mighty by going without when so many people could use what he had and here he was turning it away?

And Bucky. Bucky’s love was the more dangerous of all. He treated Steve like he had hung the moon and all the stars himself. Too much love onto one person was dangerous. 

He wasn’t worth shit, and yet Bucky gave him more than he ever deserved. Who was he to take the love he didn’t deserve when so few people never got even a fraction of what they deserved. 

“You’re selfless and flawed, Steve,” Bucky said, as if he was reading his mind. Which, maybe Steve thought, he was. Bucky called at just the right time and always knew what to say to talk him off the cliff Steve always seemed to back himself into. 

“I know you don’t think you’re worth it. But life is worthy of your battle, Steve. You’ve never walked away from a fight before. Don’t do it now.”

Steve lifted his head off the carpet and looked out the window for the first time in hours. It was dark out now. Pitch black sky stared back at Steve. The night sky was a chasm of nothingness so unwavering in its unknown and endlessness to Steve. Even something as beautiful as midnight should have been was impossibly complex, chaotic, and painful to Steve. 

“It hurts,” Steve said, not referring to any psychical pain but the confusing feeling of nothing that had lived inside him for so long. 

But somehow Bucky knew, just like he always did. “Use it then,” he said, the high strung emotion that accompanied his voice earlier gone in favor of a resigned and accepting tone. “You’re a worthy opponent to life. Use your pain to find the reason to fight.” 

Steve stayed silent. When Bucky was satisfied and hung up the phone, he stayed silent. He stayed silent when his phone died. He stayed silent when he heard the sounds of nature waking up outside of his window and destroying the infinite nothings he spent hours looking at. And he stayed silent when the sun came up and bathed his room in an otherworldly blue light that made the room look human again. 

He stayed silent when Bucky walked through his bedroom door and sat down next to him on the floor. He stayed silent when Bucky pulled his head into his chest and rocked him back and forth. 

“You’ll overcome this,” Bucky said, breaking the hours of silence the room had. 

But Steve stayed silent. Electing to bow his head back into Bucky’s chest. Only breaking his silence when tears started to roll down his cheeks and snot bubbled in his nostrils. 

Nodding his head and wiping his tears, Steve made a silent promise to himself and Bucky that he’d heal. 

**Author's Note:**

> United States  
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline   
> Phone: 1 800 273 TALK (8255)  
> Australia  
> Headspace   
> Phone: 1800 650 890  
> Austria  
> Rat auf Draht   
> Phone: 147  
> Belgium  
> Centrum Ter Preventie Van Zelfdoding   
> Phone: 1813  
> Brazil / Portugal  
> CVV   
> Phone: 188   
> Canada  
> Kids Help Phone (for youth under 20)   
> Phone: 1 800 6686868  
> For people over 20, find a crisis centre that serves your area:   
> http://suicideprevention.ca/thinking-aboutsuicide/find-a-crisis-centre  
> Czech Republic  
> Linka duševní tísně Most   
> Phone: 476 701 444   
> Denmark  
> Livslinien   
> Phone: 70 201 201  
> Finland  
> Suomen Mielenterveysseura   
> Phone: 01019 5202  
> France  
> S.O.S Amitié   
> Phone: 01 42 96 26 26  
> Germany  
> Telefonseelsorge   
> Phone: 0800 111 0 111   
> Phone: 0800 111 0 222  
> Greece  
> Suicide Help Greece   
> Phone: 1018  
> Hong Kong  
> The Samaritans Hong Kong   
> Phone: 2896 0000  
> Hungary  
> Magyar Lelki Elsősegély Telefonszolgálatok Szövetsége   
> Phone: 116 123   
> India  
> AASRA   
> Phone: 91-22-27546669   
> Phone: 91-22-27546667   
> Israel  
> ERAN   
> Phone: Free call within Israel: 1201   
> Phone: Out of Israel: 972-76-8844400  
> Italy  
> Telefono Amico   
> Phone: 199 284 284  
> Latvia  
> Skalbes   
> Phone: 371 67222922   
> Phone: 371 27722292  
> Lithuania  
> Lithuanian Association of Emotional Support Lines   
> Vaikų linija (Child line)   
> Phone: 116 111  
> Jaunimo linija (Youth line)  
> Phone: 8 800 28888  
> Vilties linija (Hope line)   
> Phone: 116 123  
> Pagalbos moterims linija (Women's line)   
> Phone: 8 800 66366   
> Linija Doverija (Support for Russian-speaking clients)   
> Phone: 8 800 77277  
> Luxembourg  
> SOS Détresse – Hëllef iwwer Telefon   
> Phone: 454545  
> Mexico  
> Instituto Hispanoamericano de Suicidologia, A.C   
> Phone: +5255 46313300   
> Netherlands  
> Foundation 113Online   
> Phone: 0900-113 0 113  
> New Zealand  
> The Lowdown   
> http://www.thelowdown.co.nz   
> Phone: 0800 111 757   
> Norway  
> Kirkens SOS   
> Phone: 815 33 300  
> Poland  
> Fundacja Dzieci Niczyje   
> Phone: 116 111  
> Serbia  
> Centar Srce   
> Phone: 0800 300 303   
> Singapore  
> Samaritans of Singapore (SOS)   
> Phone: 1800 221 4444   
> South Africa  
> The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG)   
> Phone: 0800 567 567   
> SMS: 31393  
> South Korea  
> 중앙자살예방센터 (Korea Suicide Prevention Center)   
> Phone: +82 2-2203-0053   
> Spain  
> Teléfono de la Esperanza   
> Phone: 902500002  
> Sweden  
> Mind   
> https://mind.se/  
> Switzerland  
> Tel 143 - La Main Tendue – Die Dargebotene Hand – Telefono Amico   
> Phone: 143  
> Taiwan  
> Taiwan Suicide Prevention Center   
> Phone: 0800 788 995   
> United Kingdom / Ireland  
> Samaritans   
> Phone: 116 123 
> 
> Thank you for reading my fic! Please stay safe and take care of yourselves!  
> You can find me on tumblr at nervous-bee


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